A Deeper Understanding of Pain, and Calling.

At UC Berkeley, I serve students who, consciously or not, carry a tremendous amount of unresolved hurt around inside of them. It goes deeper than I can see or even imagine, even when they begin to open up and voice the pain that is a constant companion on their undergraduate journey. Usually, students don't acknowledge this companion until it becomes impossible to ignore. That's mostly because seeking healing feels more threatening than tolerating the dull ache of the wound. We've gotten used to the feeling and convinced ourselves that ignoring pain is the best way to manage it, especially if we believe we are powerless to make a change.

CCF's recent dialogue spaces about sexual violence and assault have shown us otherwise. 

As the moderator of a recent Veritas Forum event said, "Injustice finds no solace in denial." In other words, the most disturbing and awful realities of our world are the ones that most need to be acknowledged, mourned, addressed communally (often sacrificially), and then remembered. This is not a popular nor comfortable sentiment--it wasn't in Jesus' day, and it sure isn't any more welcome today. Most civilians are not given tools to do anything other than witness violence (news reports, movies, shows, and games), and if we do take action, we usually intensify the problem by escalating the violence.

It starts with acknowledging that pain is everywhere, in everyone. 

At the first dialogue, four female leaders invited the men from our fellowship to hear their personal stories of objectification, harassment, and sexual assault. These experiences spanned the spectrum of sexual violence: 

- An anonymous online predator, pretending to be a friend of a friend, making requests over video chat that initially seemed innocent but escalated to indecent

- Being groped on a subway train

- Unwanted, invasive grasping on the dance floor

- Physical attack by a classmate on campus at night; raped in his apartment

Though these stories differ in their particulars, the overwhelming reality is that regardless of the intensity of the event, the feelings of being used/discarded, anger at and fear of men, the desire to disassociate from one's body, and the shame/humiliation of the experience were always present.

The men who were present at this space had time in a separate, male-only space to lament the pain of their sisters as well as acknowledge before God their complicity in the objectification of women's bodies through the use of pornography and participation in a culture that defines women by their sex appeal. Later, they had the opportunity to write anonymous messages to their sisters in the fellowship, who they knew were gathering next week to share in a female-only space. Here are a few of their reflections:

Dear sisters of CCF,

First off on behalf of men including myself, I am sorry for that I have been ignorant and have mistreated the person that God has uniquely made. You are a treasure and you are so valuable. I am so grateful and I am honored to be able to hear these stories. Please pray for us/me as men that we would continue to pursue this space for you and we would listen and respond in a loving manner.

Your story deserves to be heard. You are hugely important to us, in ways that are difficult to describe in words. Please don’t hold back for the sake of others, share for yourself.

Sisters of CCF, we love you! We invite you to help us be better brothers for you.

We love you. You all have been so beautifully made in the image of God. I apologize for ways I or my borthers may have hurt you and repent for ways we may have been complicit.

You are all wonderful sisters to us, and it is an honor to be your brothers.

In reading these messages, I can't help but feel the joy of the Lord strengthening my resolve to keep pursuing community-wide healing. That means everyone--perpetrators, victims, by-standers, enablers, cowards, heroes, etc.--provided they are able and willing to own their God-given role.

I've been learning this year that 

uncovering calling 

is 

paying enough attention 

to my experiences, reactions, and even pain 

in order to be able to identify and pursue 

the work God gives me to do.

And that work truly is a gift to me and to the world.