God has recently been overturning a paradigm I've unconsciously held regarding my relationship with my student leaders.
Firstly, as a function of my own personality and culture of origin, I interpret leaders as those given rightful authority and responsibility to direct followers. When I was a student and staff invited me to respond in specific ways, I invariably did what they requested. And when I deviated or defaulted in any way, I was acutely aware that I had done so and anticipated "the reckoning"--the time when I'd have to account for my procrastination and inaction.
There are various unhealthy dynamics in this approach, but one positive one is that I understood the two-way commitment of my relationship with my staff workers. They were committed to oversee my ministry, help me understand what next steps to take, and hold me accountable to what God was calling me to do in obedience and trust. In order for that relationship to work, I had to hold up my end of the bargain, which was to follow their leadership by obeying, or at least by conscientiously objecting when I felt like obeying was not in my or others' best interest. But nowhere in my mind was there an option to not do something and not communicate with my staff worker about not doing it.
Then I became a staff worker, and this dynamic of one-way communication (me, initiating with my students) and unmet expectations became rather frequent.
As a relatively new staff worker, I have a tendency to overpersonalize ministry situations. This inclination usually starts me going in the wrong direction. The truth is, there are so many things competing for my students' time and attention, many of them worthy pursuits in their own right. Still more carry the brightness of urgency or the allure of prestige. And to interpret a student's non-responsiveness as a rejection of my leadership misses that reality. All of us live within social systems in which there are rewards and punishments--the very least I can do when experiencing students' flakiness is ask some good questions about what's driving them, inviting them to honestly own their priorities without shame. I don't do that very well when I'm trying to defend my own leadership.
While these realizations were stirring around in my mind, I asked God for a way out of the zero-sum mentality of "If they obey me, I'm a good leader, and if they don't, it means I suck." He invited me to think about how he leads me--with intention for my flourishing, with compassion for my struggles and with a whole lot of patience for my wrong choices. God invited me to choose into that style of leadership--self-giving rather than self-evaluative--by pursuing my students' hearts the way He pursues mine.
So then I thought long and hard about how I could show them God's love, and I decided I would buy each one of the leaders I oversee a gift that wasn't expensive but somehow drew on my knowledge of who they are and what resonates with them. For one student, I bought him three different (used) DVD's that had his name in the titles. For a female student, I bought her flowers and chocolate. Each time I spent energy, money, and time on thinking about these individuals and what makes them special, I found myself softening in my approach toward them.
I was loving these students without requiring anything of them but with the intention of showing them God's love. It was not about them liking me more or about me convincing them to undertake an action plan of some kind. It was not about me. It was about God using me to let them know how much he loves them, and in the process, he changed my heart. I was no longer so inclined to be resentful of times when I set clear expectations that students did not meet. I held them accountable to their word and asked them what happened, but it was a not punitive conversation and I didn't feel wronged by them.
God taught me to love first, so I can be in the right place to ask questions.
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