The [Squirrel] Monster Within

I was meeting with a student on a clear Friday afternoon at Free Speech Movement Cafe on campus. We were talking about insecurity and pride, and how both these human postures communicate a similar rejection of God as Creator and Sustainer. I shared some about my temptation to tell God that he designed me poorly when I found myself not measuring up to my own standards, and the student, Rachel, was listening with rapt attention.

It was then that we saw the squirrel perched on our table, mere inches away from our coffee and food.

This is not the squirrel, but it is about as close to you as the squirrel in my story was to us. 

Too close.

With exclamations of surprise and fear, we leapt up from our table, snatching away our beverages and snacks. One crumb remained and the rotund squirrel gobbled it up greedily, showing even less of an inclination to back down. I watched it in disbelief--when did it get so bold that it would sit on a table, less than a foot away from humans, and not flinch at their words or gestures? How did this abomination come to be??

It was then that Rachel and I realized that this squirrel standoff was a perfect illustration of what we had been discussing: this moment was a story that, along with the associated feelings of terror and helplessness, would sear this conversation in both our minds for a long time to come.

This squirrel is so much like the pride within us--when we feed it a little here and a little there (musing on our accomplishments, dwelling on our failures, investing in our reputations at the cost of our souls), it soon grows bold beyond our control and begins to terrorize us. It starts looking at us with hunger, no longer satisfied with the little morsels we've been feeding it. My wake-up call came in the form of a deep depression*--I had been feeding the monster of vanity for a long time with both self-aggrandizing and self-condemning thoughts, and it eventually swallowed my identity whole. As a result, I experienced what felt like death, but was really God destroying the false beliefs I had about who I am and teaching me to compassionately interpret my emotions.

Rachel and I were a little in awe at how neatly our table-side encounter with the squirrel fit into what God was teaching us in that moment. I am grateful to serve such a creative and concrete God!

*I am continually learning to interpret my experience with depression, and I offer it as a story about my life (no one else's). Everyone's depression is different!